Dysphoria

Dysphoria is defined as a "profound state of unease, dissatisfaction, or unhappiness". It is often characterized by irritability, anxiety, and a sense of "wrongness".

Growing up, I rarely thought of my day to day experience as dysphoric. There however was a palpable sense of life being an alien landscape that I was looking onto from the sidelines. Most kids my age, were fully engaged in life, and I often felt like an observer observing them, to figure out a way to operate, hoping to finally figure out the uneasiness that was pervasive in my experience.

There were many attempts from my side to "figure out" life and its nuances. However much I tried to fix or understand life, there was always this background sense of dread and uneasiness that was always present.

As I went through my life, I chalked this up to social anxiety, shyness and began to build a mental fortress to gain a sense of control. Logic and rationality, were the foundations that offered a respite to keep this uneasiness at bay.

All information was filtered through models of rationality (or so, as I thought at the time). Theories of life, morality and individual behavior were scrutinized for inconsistencies, then integrated one by one, into a world view that was quick to offer explanations for various phenomena.

But the uneasiness never went away completely. It was always there peering from the sidelines, waiting for me, lurking in the darkness, ready to pounce on me in a weak moment. So began the reinforcement of my world view, adding layers upon layers, by consuming knowledge.

I'd like to picture that world view, as a fortress in the middle of a tumultuous sea. The waves of emotions, often unknown and intense, kept at bay. No need to venture outside into the unknown.

And in the middle of the fortress, protected and guarded is the indescribable, but often felt sense of me. The me, that needs to be protected at all costs, because life is chaos. Control is necessary, needed and often the only way of navigation.

They have it figured out

Almost always as children, we look up to adults. They seem to have figured things out, are confident and generally seem to have things in order. Maybe someday, as an adult, I'll have figured all of this out, I often thought to myself.

But it never did. There was always something else to figure out. When does it end ?

And why are adults who keep on dishing advice, often being hypocrites ?

• You should be generous with the less fortunate, but not that generous
• Once you ace this exam or get into this career, you are set for life.
• Money doesn't bring happiness, but I sure can do with more, as much as I can get.
• It's healthy to probe and question, but don't go too deep or I'll lose you.
• You should be honest and sincere, but my white lies are my privilege to use when necessary.
• Don't compare with others, but I need that house or dress etc

Once you keep seeing this again and again, it begs the question, why do people say one thing, and act in a totally different manner ? And more importantly, can their opinions be trusted ?

The game of life

Life can be thought of as a game, one in which there are checkpoints or milestones to get to. And each time we achieve said goal, everyone cheers us on. It's funny to think of it as a checklist of things to strive for,

• Get good grades, enroll in a good college
• Get a career that pays handsomely
• Get a life partner, get married
• Have kids
• Have a good retirement plan
• Have grandkids etc etc

Of course, these are the general phases of life, as accepted by society. There are other more personal milestones, such as getting a new car, house or more money than your peers.

If you think about it though, each time we strive for a goal, the general thought behind it goes along the lines, "If I can get this, then I'll be set, happy or at peace, finally".
But I'm sure as you might have surmised, that thought often falls flat on its face.

There's never a permanent state of happiness, no matter what goal is achieved. There might be a temporary high or satisfaction. Our own biology works against us on this, we almost always return to a baseline feeling of satisfaction.

Beliefs

Beliefs are a very pervasive system in our lives. It offers an anchor to our psyche, a sense of security to which we can fallback on.

It also often alters our perception. Events in the external world are interpreted through this perception,

Ever since humans got meta cognition, the unknown, was often adapted to a framework of belief, starting with shamanic rituals to modern religion and philosophy. It offers a framework, to fall back to, when life does not cede control to our liking.

Most religions offer a safe haven to drudge through life, whether it be reincarnation, a permanent blissful afterlife or an assertion of a permanent soul that cannot be harmed. Most likely these came to be, not from a malicious intent to control, but from a genuine desire to offer respite.

Then, there are the materialists, technologists and others who focus on understanding physical reality or manipulating political systems, for the ultimate answer/utopia to solve human suffering. To me, both of these camps seem to use the same mechanism for coping with life.

Meaning

The next route then, is a kind of acceptance.

Yes, I know I can never achieve permanent satisfaction. Life is as it is. Find meaning where you can. Enjoy the temporary happiness when it arises and find solutions so that the bad storms are not crippling.

I figure most people reach this conclusion, some don't. This almost seems like the only way forward. And in a way, it offers respite in its own way, grabbing meaning here and there, to anchor yourself against the flow of life.

But hidden even in this acceptance of life, is something once seen, is hard to ignore. The never ending seeking of the mind, ever searching for the next thing to end seeking.

Ironic isn't it ? Seeking to end seeking, using seeking :)

If you pay attention to this feeling, this uneasiness with life, it becomes all pervasive in your experience. So much effort, intention, control and action, to the point of sometimes being inauthentic and being caught in the illusion of achieving that fabled end of the road.

Meaning is useful as an anchoring point, but lose the meaning (due to an event or disillusionment) and now you're back to the starting point, searching for an another straw to hold onto. And it can be quite traumatic if you lose that meaning if it's the primary anchor for you.

I was in this camp for quite a bit, yet something was nagging me on. Perhaps it was my hard headed tenacity for seeking out solutions.

A possibility

Why ? Why does it have to be this way ?

Is there truly no escape from this life of chasing ?

Something felt off about all this chasing, this effort to get everything right, something quite wrong. So I began my search, passively at first and then more actively as the possibility began to crystallize further.

It started off as an inquiry into human psychology for understanding my own mind. Then it blossomed into inquiry, not through thought, but by staying still, and quietening the mind.

I began to observe thoughts, fleeting ephemeral as they are, interspaced by silence. The silence was alluring, such contrast with the normal mind !!

Dare I hope that I can somehow figure this out ?