Reflexivity

Meditation is often used as a calming mechanism that helps drown the noises that keep our mind occupied. It offers a sense of release, a place untainted by daily concerns and the like.

The silence that one often experiences is indescribable, exquisite and often quite alluring. It has this nameless quality that feels more real than the normal noisy environment of the mind. I'm not talking about noise as in sound, but rather absence of thoughts.

But why is this ?
Why is silence, which is a lack of thoughts, feel more natural than thoughts themselves ?

Cogito, ergo sum

René Descartes, a famous philosopher, argued I think therefore I am.
To doubt one's own existence, is to believe the doubt, which itself is another thought in the mind, leading to a contradiction. Or rather, consciousness cannot be called into question, because consciousness is the foundation in which that doubt is entertained.

However, a modern and often common interpretation is that the I is absolute. It has to exist, for any kind of cognition. Or rather, you are the thinker, thinking the thoughts.

There's this interesting observation, that almost everyone who has done some amount of meditation observes, thoughts are ephemeral. They pass by as clouds do on a clear sky.

However, they are very enticing. When one is new to meditation, it is often hard to calm the mind. Thoughts are like vortexes, step into one and you're carried away in a thought stream, and often more than not, frustrated by your inability to remain unattached.

Fleeting clouds

This however begs a question, if thoughts are ephemeral and I can observe my thoughts, who is the thinker ?

That might seem like a dumb question at first, but dig a bit deeper. If I am the thinker, thinking these thoughts (under my control), who is the one observing these thoughts ? Wait, who is observing the observer ?

Feels like a ridiculous scenario, doesn't it ? There cannot be multiple I's floating around in our head. And especially not one that can be brought into a temporary existence at our whim. The I that is felt is the sense of your being.

A way to resolve this issue, can be to divide thoughts into unconscious and conscious thoughts. We define the former as not under our control, and the latter as being in our sphere of influence.

We can go further and divide our model of the mind, into the unconscious and conscious. If that is the case, then it begs the question, are you really the thinker ?
Because, being the thinker implies that thoughts are ultimately under your control.

Notice, that we brought this divide to solve this contradiction. We cannot have a contradiction, can we now ?

But in the silence, this divide is unnecessary. Thoughts are thoughts, fleeting, enticing and sometimes invasive. There's no inherent quality difference in each thought, although their content may differ. They arise, and subside on their own volition, so to speak.

So, am I the thinker ?
Where do these thoughts arise from, if not me ?

Effortless Movements

We often pride ourselves in our actions, making sure that each action is appropriate, effective and achieves our goals. Often putting in a lot of effort to mold it exactly the way we want to.

But then there are these automatic actions we don't really think about. Driving a car, drinking water, or having an easy conversation. These auto responses are never given a second thought. In fact, no thought is used to mold these actions.

But have you wondered where these actions arise from ?
The most accepted answer is these are again unconscious actions and learned behaviors. Once again, we divide actions to that of unconscious and conscious ones, because we usually are not aware or in control of the unconscious ones.

Mindfulness is a useful practice, where you meditate not with your eyes closed, but rather try to embody the senses, emptying your mind while going about your normal day to day routine. This experience can be quite illuminating.

If you observe closely in silence, you might see into the nature of actions. There was a sense of bewilderment for me, it felt like I was a automaton, doing actions as programmed. Stimulus from the environment (and me), causes actions to manifest.

This is much more bewildering to experience this consciously, than the nature of thought. The idea of knowing we have unconscious behavior and the experience of seeing this in real time, is very jarring to say the least.

So, am I the doer ?
Where do these actions arise from, if not me ?

Unruly waves

Not all unconscious actions are usually welcome. Bursting out in anger, annoyance and judgement leading to actions that we regret later, are usually attributed to our emotions.

These emotions come to the surface by something in the environment, be it people, their actions or our own judgement. The emotions usually overwhelm us, or if we are really conscious, we do not act but use some coping mechanism to calm ourselves and take a rational action.

I remember being in a perpetual state of desperation when I was observing this happening, for around a year. My actions, outbursts and my behavior did not reflect the calm, thoughtful person I thought I was. Rather they painted me as a person slaving under these emotions, with no clue on why these emotions were coming to the surface, and even more baffling I had no idea what these triggers were or the emotions that lay underneath them.

Try as I might to understand them intellectually, be it using psychology or other frameworks did nothing to alleviate the hopelessness and frustration. The feeling of being not in control, was exacerbated with my inability to understand or modify my behavior.

Am I in control ?

If thoughts are not in my control,
If actions are not in my control,
If emotions are not in my control,
What exactly can I control ?

This baffled me to no degree, and try as I might I could not get an answer.
Yet, there was this undeniable sense of me, reinforcing the need to control, and which I could not penetrate deeper. This self of self, reassured me that I indeed had control, even though these discrepancies were popping up on closer observation everywhere.